


Throwing Sand Against the Wind

by Mareel



Series: Always [55]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, Established Relationship, Frustration, Injury, Love, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Post War, Post-Canon, Post-Mass Effect 3, Rehabilitation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-03 19:30:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8727418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: "I thought I could..."





	

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place at their home near Vancouver, approximately 16 months after the end of the Reaper war. It is Kaidan's voice.
> 
> It was written for the prompt 'frustration',

 

"Kaidan?"

His voice sounds strained over the omni-tool communicator and he doesn't have the vid-link on. 

"Shepard? What's up? Are you okay?"

There's too long a pause before his reply. "Yeah... will be. Just... well, I might need your help."

It has to be serious if he's calling to ask for help. He'd gone out for a walk while I was trying to get a report finished. Said he didn't want to distract me when I needed to work. Damn it. 

"Where are you? Should I call for a medic?" 

"No! Bad enough that I need to ask _anyone_... to help get my fucking ass up off the ground. Just down the beach a little. No one around."

Not surprised. It's mid-morning on a Wednesday, with a misty drizzle that seems to have settled in for the duration. I'm pulling on my jacket and running shoes as we speak. 

"On my way, John. Don't move. Just stay there. I've got a fix on you. Just breathe... it's going to be okay."

He hadn't gotten very far from home. He's sitting on the ground, his leg stretched out in front of him, hands pressed against his knee. I kneel by his side and wrap an arm around him.

"What happened?"

He looks up at me, forehead furrowed. "I fell... damn hip collapsed. So I tried to pick myself up. But with nothing to grab onto, my knee and hip... just buckled again and again. Damn it, I _tried!"_

The frustration is evident in both his voice and his whole posture. He's leaning heavily against me and I close both arms around him and just hold him for a few minutes as he tries to calm his breathing. 

"It's okay. Not surprised your leg wouldn't cooperate. It's stronger than it was but not even close to normal. Let me take a quick look at it." 

It doesn't seem like anything is broken, but he could well have pulled a muscle or twisted his knee, which seems to be what's hurting him the most.

"I think we can get you back to the house without doing any more damage. Here let me help you up... the ground is wet and cold."

He shakes his head. "Wait... let me try again. I can do this! Maybe if I hold on to you I can get my feet beneath me and manage to stand."

"John, I'd rather you didn't. You said you've tried a few times... every time you do you have another chance to do more damage. Let me help... please."

A long exhale is his only reply. 

Getting to my feet, I don't even give him a chance to try pulling himself up by holding onto my hands. I let my biotics flare into life as I slip my arms beneath his to wrap around him from behind. "Do you think you can bear weight on the leg?"

"Will try... not sure yet."

"Okay. Lifting on the count of three. _1... 2... 3_." And he's vertical, the blue glow still surrounding him. I'm not letting it drop until I know he's not going to collapse again. 

"Think I'm okay to stand... not putting much weight on it though."

I could carry him, but I know he wouldn't like it. Even though I know he's carried me off more than one battleground. "Lean on me then. Do you have your cane?"

He nods and unclips it from his belt, unfolding it. 

"Use that for balance. We'll take it really slow. Put as much weight on me as you need to."

It's slow going, but we limp back to the house. Without even using the biotics, I do pick him up in my arms to climb the few steps to the deck and get inside. After settling him on the couch with his leg stretched out on the ottoman, I bring him an ice pack and a bottle of water while he catches his breath. 

"Thanks. So fucking embarrassing... What if someone else had come along before you got there? There'd be pics all over the newsfeeds and the extranet – _War Hero Commander Shepard found collapsed in Vancouver!_ They'd probably embellish it with speculation of why it happened... it wouldn't be pretty." He drops his gaze to focus intently on the water bottle. "I'm sorry, Kaidan."

I ignore the part about the sensational journalism. I know he's probably right, but thankfully it didn't happen.

"It's okay. I'm just glad I was nearby. That's hasn't happened recently, not since you left rehab anyway. Did you stumble on something?"

His answer comes slowly and when he meets my eyes he looks miserable. "No. My own damn fault. Kaidan, I just want to be able to run again, even a little. I tried – only a few steps... I'd been imagining how it would feel, visualizing it in my mind. I really thought maybe I could..."

It makes sense now. He's been talking about that off and on, but I'm surprised that he tried it alone. Or maybe I'm not. His sense of pride was engaged and he wanted to prove to himself that he could push his limits.

I run my hand over his leg again, trying to feel if there's anything dislocated at his knee. It doesn't seem like it, but it's swelling and he needs to see his physical therapist if not a doctor. 

"I know. I can only imagine how frustrating it is. Maybe... maybe next time you want to try, we should do it together. Promise?"

He nods, reaching for my hand and squeezing tightly. "Yeah, okay. I just wanted to surprise you..." His eyes are focused somewhere in the distance. "I feel like you've given up doing active things you like to do in order to accommodate what _I_ can do." Before I can counter that, his voice drops to almost a whisper. "I don't want to be a burden to you."

Cupping his chin in my hand, I tilt his face to get him to look at me. "John. You are _never_ a burden to me. Never have been and never will be. I love you, and you know I've always had your back. Nothing changes that. _Ever_."

I let my fingers slip along his jawline until I find the sensitive spot just behind his ear, caressing it lightly. "And we always find a way to enjoy my favorite _active_ thing together." I kiss him until his lips part and let it linger a little, wanting to be sure he knows just what activities I meant.

After the kiss, his voice is still quiet. "But I know you always liked going for a run... you've talked about running along the trail out to the lighthouse. Now all I can do is limp and lean on your arm."

"And that's way more than you could do when they found you in the London ruins. Look how far you're come, Shepard. We do a lot of things together, things we both like – we take walks, we work out – your upper body strength has come back amazingly well – we rode that tandem bike when we were at the orchard. I'm not missing out on anything. And we manage to make our way to the lighthouse at our own pace - it's not a race."

Holding his gaze, I wait until my words sink in and he finally nods. "Yeah, we're good. But I'm still sorry to worry you."

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're not badly injured, you know? You scared me some."

He pulls my face close enough to kiss me, and we let it deepen as I open to him, reconnecting. 

"Maybe it's time to think about that hip surgery they were talking about... to deal with adhesions or whatever it is that's keeping you from getting more function and strength back in that leg."

He shakes his head. "I don't want more surgery... no more hospitals. Stuck lying there drugged while other people decide what and when you should eat or take a leak, even what you have to wear... I hate it all."

I refrain from mentioning that aside from the drugs and being stuck in bed, it's pretty much the same in boot camp. I know where he's coming from... I watched him go through it all... for months.

"It's up to you. I think doing it sooner rather than later might save some wear and tear on your body. And I think it could be a way to get back to doing some things you miss – be more active, maybe think about taking on a mission or two eventually."

"Maybe... I need to be able to move better than I do now if I want to even think about taking the _Normandy_ through the relay for the first test. I don't know..."

I squeeze his hand, wanting him to know I understand his reluctance. "You'll know when it's time. I'm not going to nag or pressure you about it. Just be careful, okay?"

He nods and shifts his legs carefully up onto the couch, sinking down to rest his head in my lap. I stroke fingertips slowly across his prickly close-clipped hair, letting him hold my other hand against his chest. I don't stop when I feel him relax into sleep. But I do bend to drop a kiss onto his forehead and whisper to him. 

"You always were stubborn, Shepard. But I love you. No matter what."

 

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  _You throw the sand against the wind,_   
>  _And the wind blows it back again._   
>  – William Blake   
> 


End file.
